"She's Crying Again"

 

I have always had one of those bleeding hearts. If a Hallmark or some animal rights commercial comes on tv, I'm in tears before it's over. In just about every movie I've ever seen, I am in tears at least once before the end. I can watch that movie 10 times and cry in the same spot every time. My kids will look at each other and say "she's crying again." If somebody is crying in my presence, I cry. I can look at someone and see their sadness and cry. I read an article or see a news report about unrest and human indignities and cry. I am moved by a sermon in church and I cry. I cannot play Beethoven's "Adieu to the Piano" all the way through without tears running down my cheeks.

So you won't be surprised when I tell you I have had an inexhaustible supply of tears over the past almost-5 months. I am truly amazed and actually a little bit in awe of the sheer number of tears I've cried since May 2nd. I think if there was a way to add up all of the tears cried during my 56 years on this earth, the number would be dwarfed by the number of tears I've cried in the past 146 days.

I still am not comfortable being in a public place because I don't know what will trigger the next bout. It could be something so innocuous that would bring me down the path to utter meltdown. It could be something as little as listening to somebody clearing his throat and then I'm remembering how I always knew he was in the room, even before I saw him, because of the sound of him clearing his throat. It could be hearing someone tell of their trip to a place we have been. It could be the simple word "husband" or "wife" in conversation that sends me down the despair hole.

Right now, life is literally a minefield of emotional ambushes. I don't like to be out in public and definitely not with a group of people I'm not extremely close with. If they are close friends, they are accustomed to my tears about as often as someone in a crowded room sneezes. If I don't know them, they must think I am an absolute mess of a person. Some people just aren't comfortable seeing somebody else's emotion and certainly not at the intensity level of mine.

In my DivorceCare class last week, I found comfort in the verse from Ecclesiasties 3:1 "There is a time for everything..." and subsequent verses go on to list those things. But I love what the note says at the bottom of the page. "God provides cycles in life, each one with its own work for us to do." God's timing is perfect and I must remember that. I must accept that. With that acceptance comes peace and a greater faith and I want that. God can and will make me better, one day at a time.

So, friends and family, if I don't accept your kind invitation it is not because I don't like you or don't think the activity wouldn't be fun. Someday it won't hurt so badly. Someday a simple conversation about holidays and anniversaries won't cut me to the quick. Someday I won't hear the word, garlic, and immediately think of all the ways I had to be on guard to protect Steve so it wouldn't get into his food.  Someday I won't begin to cry at the mere thought of how much I loved that man. Someday I will be able to be in a room and want to look at happy couples again.  Until then, please don't stop asking. Someday, I might just say "yes."