Musings from the Trenches: Feeling, Dealing and Healing from the Pain of Divorce

Just as I was starting to feel like I might be getting better and moving on, this wall of anger has risen up inside of me.  I’m angry that my spouse did not try to save our marriage. I am angry that my rejection was made public by the act of divorce. I am angry because I didn’t know what was going on and that makes me feel stupid. I am angry that it seems as if all of the good things in our marriage were disregarded by his decision to leave.   I  feel like I have to defend the fact that there was happiness on both of our parts. It feels like 34 years of everything that was good, all of our fun times, all of the parts of our lives we built together from nothing, all of our meaningful conversations, fun family times, shared memories and great adventures have boiled down to one failed relationship.   I’m angry that there is nobody waiting for me when I get home. Instead, there is a dark, lonely apartment.  I’m angry that my mom and Dad, brother, si...

My ex broke up with his girlfriend of 6 weeks because it was causing my girls so much pain and further distancing him from them. They did not want to see him and weren't sure when they would be ready to. He decided that he would do anything to get his girls back so he ended that relationship. Because of that, I agreed to meet him that week and my stomach was in knots leading up to the evening of the "meet." I didn't know how I would react to seeing him. I wasn't sure I could keep my emotions in check. I was about to meet the man I had been with for 34 years but hadn't seen since the middle of May. The absence of this man in my life over the past six months has been excruciating. It felt like a deep, dark chasm that was opening up larger and larger and swallowing me whole. Many times I couldn't believe we were really "done." I kept thinking something would happen to bring him back to me, but it didn't happen. Even when I found out he was d...

I haven't written a post in a couple of weeks. It's because my ex-husband found out about my blog and has read my posts. And that makes me a little sick. I feel spied upon now and I feel like I can't write about my journey. But, I have more to say so I'm going to keep writing. Yesterday in church, we wrapped up a stewardship sermon series about the nature of the heart; both physically and spiritually. For the past 6 months, I have been praying about and asking others to pray for my heart. This past week I have experienced a huge heart breakthrough. The week started with my heart being wrenched apart again upon finding out that my ex already has a girlfriend. Apparently and already, he had dated enough to know that there was one person he was ready to call a girlfriend. It was as if I was way back to May 2nd and it was happening anew. My pain was palpable and I even did some out loud wailing (fortunately only my car heard it) for the injustice of this an...

  Forgiveness.  I can't stop thinking about this and the significant role it now plays in my life. Before now, I have never had anything of real significance to forgive or anyone to forgive. Well, that's not completely true. When my ex-husband had questioned his commitment to our marriage several times in our marriage, I had stuff to forgive and a person to forgive. But, I always forgave because I loved him, I believed when he said he loved me and was re-committed to me and I believed in our marriage. And above all else, I knew that's what God wanted me to do. I was never one to hold onto hate or bitterness and truthfully, I have had a very blessed life and not much happened in my life that would necessitate me being in a position of granting forgiveness. But this is a big one. This one might take a while. Finally, I have had an apology that I believe is sincere and I have been asked for forgiveness. But, there's a dissonance inside of me now; a part that wants to ...