Shine Bright Like a Diamond



It's funny, ever since I've been back from Hilton Head and more specifically the powerful, yet peaceful ocean, I have had writer's block. I'm sure it's because I am back home where there is constant noise: work, television, music, legal things, emails, worry, even people! All this noise is clouding my mind. It's clouding my spirit and the sense of peace I felt just a week ago.

I haven't been able to concentrate on anything important, let alone the mundane. My suitcases are still sitting on the floor at the foot of my bed, waiting to be unpacked. The dishwasher needs to be unloaded and all my flower pots outside are literally starving for attention. I have some bills to pay, laundry to do, groceries to shop for - all the stuff of life. And it seems too overwhelming.

My daughters want to know what happened to their mom, the one who was always busy thinking and doing for other people. They say they no longer know who their dad is and now their mom is different too. Yes, I am different. I may be different forever because this is a big life event that I didn't plan on. Oh, I'll be thoughtful and generous again, but right now, I am just trying to hold on, to put one foot in front of the other and walk through the day: get up, devotion time, shower, breakfast, work, appointments, friend and family time, home again at the end of the day so I don't have to be there alone very long, and then to bed. Get up and do it again.

Commitments are hard right now. I never know when one of those landmines (previous post) are going to ambush me and cause an emotional stumble which breaks the carefully held-together rhythm of my day. My emotions live just beneath the surface. I try to keep that surface sparkling but it's hard when around every corner, a painful reminder can cause those emotions to burst forth.

No, I don't think I'll ever be the same. My life as I knew it for 33 years has been so suddenly and savagely uprooted  through no desire or fault of my own. The constant in my life is gone. Left in the wake are feelings of loneliness, betrayal, pain, anxiety, anger, confusion, sorrow, sadness, jealousy, disappointment, anguish, loss and just about every other negative emotion you can come up with. (Did I miss any?)

Daughters, I have never let you down. I am still here for you and will still do anything in the world for you and be there whenever you need me. Yes, I am a bit wrapped up in my pain right now because that's my current state. My old life is gone and I have to figure out how to do this new life alone and in a different way (and on way less money.) I'm trying to be cheerful and upbeat but that takes so much energy when all I want to do is sleep and I can't even do that well.

Be patient with me. I have gone through and dismantled my house and sold it. I have moved a fraction of my belongings into a new and temporary apartment. I have gotten myself back into the work force. I will make my way back to myself as soon as enough time goes by.  One day, I will realize I went the whole day without crying. One day I will skip up the stairs to my apartment instead of plod. One day I will move on with my life with gusto!

Above is a picture I took last week. About mid-morning, and about halfway out, the water sparkled like diamonds...it was so beautiful and dazzling. My picture doesn't do it justice. It struck me that God made me dazzling just like those "diamonds" dazzling the water. He knows my hurt and He's going to get me through and I will dazzle and sparkle again. I know it!

Life is noisy, but I am reminded that I must ask the Holy Spirit to quiet my mind. It is in that quiet that I will hear His voice and I must allow that peace to permeate my being so I can hear what He has to say.

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Comments

  1. CarolSeptember 30, 2017 at 5:16 AM

    Praying for you, Sheryl. You write beautifully. I hope this is the beginning of your healing. You are a strong woman. Xoxox

    ReplyDelete

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