Table for One

picture of eating alone - Woman eating grilled chicken meat with vegetables at table - JPG

Lately, I catch myself studying couples. Wherever I go, I am noticing couples. I have had friends in the past tell me that when they wanted to get pregnant and couldn't, all they saw were pregnant women. When I see couples walking hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm (in my opinion, that arm-in-arm thing doesn't work unless you are both exactly the same height with the same stride. It's like sharing an umbrella and expecting both of you to stay dry...doesn't work) I find myself bitterly thinking: "Ya, this was us five months ago. We were you. We were walking hand-in-hand. We were talking and sometimes walking in companionable silence." And even, "I hate your couplehood."

I wonder if you're really as happy as you put on. I wonder if just lurking beneath the surface, a sentence or two will end your marriage like it did mine. I wonder if you will see it coming? I wonder if your seeming companionship is just an illusion, that perhaps one of you isn't even happy at all. I wonder if one of you wants to leave the other, dreams about leaving the other. I wonder if you're happy. I bet one of you is secretly living another life, plotting your departure.

I'm not proud of these feelings. It's bitterness at its worst and it doesn't feel good. It feels like a dark, festering spot in my heart, in my soul and it's hard to ignore. I hear this broken record in my head saying "Wait, what happened? Wait, what happened? Wait, what happened?"

This morning I was walking on the beach. By myself. I was noticing all the single people this time. Some had rings on their left hand ring fingers, some did not. I started thinking, what if I said a quick little prayer about the partner-less people? Just a simple sentence like "God, please bless this lady today" or "God, please strengthen her marriage" or "God, please don't let her feel like a failure" or "God, show her she's not alone."

When I go to dinner tonight and the hostess says to me "Just one tonight?" I hope I can hold my head high and say "Yes, table for one please" in my most confident voice.

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