Just Look Up

 

Truthfully, I have been so sad lately that I don't even know what to post. I don't want to be a drag, but sometimes trying to be "up" and "positive" seems like too big a burden. Deep sadness feels like a weight that's way too heavy to carry. Add loneliness to the equation and then imagine 50 pounds added to the weight that's already too heavy to carry. It's crushing.

Nights are really hard for me. I try to numb my mind by watching stupid tv and then go to bed when my eyes are already half closed. That way, I don't have to lay in bed thinking about the fact that I'm going to bed alone.

It's not like I want to be around other people though, I want to be with him. I want to know that I am still valued, loved and honored as his wife. But that will never happen. That is over. I know that in all of the rational parts of my brain but my heart doesn't want to let go. Even though I hear about things he's done or is doing and those things insult my soul, I still can't let go. Someone said to me "Well, I hope that makes you not love him as much". I wish it was that easy. The kind of love I had for my husband for 34 years doesn't just go away. It doesn't keep track of all of the times he questioned his commitment to our marriage. It doesn't ever give up and throw in the towel, it keeps forgiving. It stands by the promise to keep faithful to my marriage promise throughout all of life's ups and downs, as long as I live.

But, my love wasn't enough. My commitment wasn't enough. My covenant before God wasn't enough. Oh, it was enough for me but it wasn't enough for the one who promised to love and care for me for the rest of our days. I'm still very bitter about that. But the sad truth is that when one person begins to think only of himself and his needs, the marriage commitment is already broken. I have no control over whether my marriage holds together yet again, or whether it dies on the spot. And mine died on the spot.

The death was swift. The death was a shock. The death was forever. I guess I have earned the right to feel crushing sadness. And I think I may feel that way for a long time.

Some wise person told me that God may not always calm the storm, but He's always in the boat with me. Tonight on my way to DivorceCare class, I heard the song "You Are Loved" by Rebecca St. James. 

You are loved
If your heart's in a thousand pieces
If you're lost and you're far from reason
Just look up, know you are loved
Just look up, and know you are loved
When it feels like somethings missing
If it hurts but you can't find healing
Just look up, know you are loved
Just look up, know you are loved.

Tonight I will rest in the peace of knowing that I am loved by the one who made me; the Father who cries with me and aches with me and knows my deepest loneliness and fears.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Broken Promise but Unbroken Me

Today would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary. It's been a difficult day for me. So much reflection and remembering. On the day we were married, I put a ring on his finger and inside I had engraved the words: Bombs Away! SSM, I love you, SAM. (Pearl Harbor Day). We sang a song to each other at our wedding entitled "A Love Until the End of Time". We looked deeply into each others eyes and hearts and made a sacred promise to keep our marriage covenant forever. I remember celebrating our very first anniversary so clearly. We dressed up kind of fancy and went to a restaurant on the river in Mequon, WI and felt completely out of place and over-dressed when we got there. Since then, we have celebrated in so many different places and ways. Some years, especially the early ones, we didn't have much money to celebrate. One year, we went to NYC for the weekend. We ate at a fancy steak place, stayed at The Pierre and took a carriage ride in Central Park. We saw Les Mis ...
Read more

Loss #1

You know when you get a song in your head and you can't get it out? Some people say to sing it out loud and then it will shimmy right out of your head like an afterthought. That is my rationale for the next few blog posts. I am going to catalog and dissect every loss I have undergone during the past 8 months in order to get them out of my head and put them to bed. I hope it works. Loss #1: Companionship I really miss living with someone. I miss yelling from one room to another, just to say "I'm home" or "Can you throw down a pair of socks?" I miss the sounds of another person in the house, just doing normal things like flushing the toilet, the sound of the shower turning on, the sound of him singing and talking on the phone with clients. I miss him bringing me coffee every morning he wasn't traveling. Every. Single. Morning.  I miss coming home at the end of the day, looking so forward to seeing him and talking about our days together; the go...
Read more

Happy New Year!

Today I decided to watch church from home. I almost never miss church. I love church. I love to be there in the presence of my church family and to feel the Holy Spirit working.  While flipping through channels waiting for my service to start, I happened upon Joel Olsteen’s church service. He was talking about a woman he had met whose husband of 20 years left her because he didn’t want to be married anymore. Here are just some of the things he said that spoke to my soul.  Quit mourning. Don’t feed the history.  Don’t miss the new things God has in store.  God closed the door on that. God put an end to things I cannot understand.  The person that left was a weed. Quit watering the weed. Quit feeding the weed.   Don’t put a question mark on something God put a period on.   A new season of joy and fulfillment is coming.   God will bring someone to feed you integrity, faith, hope and excellence.  Sometimes you n...
Read more