Solitary Refinement


I really hate being single. Before now, I had never lived alone. I went from living with family to college roommates to post college roommates and then to married. For 56 years, I have never lived alone. The strangest and saddest part about being divorced for me is being alone. And lonely. Sometimes while I'm sleeping I'll wake up just enough to reach my arm out next to me and expect him to be there. Or, when I wake up in the morning I'll turn over thinking he'll be there, lying next to me. It is just plain lonely and sad and tragic and horrible and I feel like I'll never get used to it.

When he was traveling, I was alone and it was getting to be more and more often that he was traveling. I now realize that I was very lonely before I was divorced. In fact, I was lonely for a long time. He had been pulling away, creating a separate life from mine and I didn't want to face that. Is it better to be lonely and alone when part of a couple or now that I'm divorced? I'm not sure. Neither one is good. Alone is not how God designed me or anyone else for that matter, to be.

I don't want to be single but that is what I am now. I didn't choose this but now I must learn how to live this way. The reality is, I don't get to have something that I want, just because I want it. The other day I caught myself saying "I don't feel like I'm whole anymore" but I used to be a whole person I think: whole all by myself. So I need to get back to finding out who I am as a single, whole person. Who does God want me to be? I need to figure this out. Right now I think it is enough that I am seeking Him.

Recently, someone asked me what my hobbies are. I had no answer. Maybe that's part of figuring out who I am...finding a hobby. Where do I go to look for a hobby? I'm serious because I don't know how to get a hobby. For so long, my hobby was my husband and my children. My children have grown and are on their own. Then my hobby was just my husband. Now he is gone and somehow, I went somewhere in the process. I really can't imagine finding a hobby at 56 but I know I have to. Hopefully I'll have a hobby to report on in a future post.

I'm going to try to figure out what kind of single person God wants me to be. I want to be the person He wants me to be. I know He is taking me down this path and He wants to help me feel whole again. I want to ask God to hurry but I know there's no hurrying this grief process. I must work through it while asking God to help me. I would love to know how long this painful process will take. Will I ever get over it? Will it haunt every relationship to come? Will I be happy again? I hope so. In the meantime I am going to try to cultivate a hobby. I am going to continue to spend some time every day with God in Bible Study. And I am going to begin to find out how to be whole again.

Comments

  1. UnknownOctober 5, 2017 at 3:37 AM

    Sheryl, In some ways I can relate to this post. I am alone for the first time in 78 years. However, my husband was not the great communicator; we did very few things together. I worked for most of my married life and he stayed home raised the boys. Mr. Mom is common now but it wasn't in 1966 when we started. I do a lot of the things you mentioned, feeling the other side of the bed; looking for him when I come home; expecting him to get the mail, take out the trash etc. I no longer have hobbies; arthritis won't let me crochet; I've lost interest in sewing and other crafts. Since he died I have thrown myself into cleaning the house; so far I have cleaned the garage, five closets and started on cleaning out file drawers of paperwork. You did a lot of that when you moved. I have one slight advantage, I'm not working; so I can eat out when I want, go to the movie when I want, run to the store for one item. I am not big on volunteer work, in a way I am enjoying my freedom; for the first time in my life I have no one to be responsible for except myself. If you want to get together and talk, PM me on Facebook; I'll come to Carmel and meet you.

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