Sunglasses

I just got back from watching a movie, Year by the Sea. There were so many great quotes in it but perhaps my favorite one for today:

"Emotions are like the tide - you just gotta ride 'em out."

I wish someone would tell me how long this emotional sinkhole I'm in is going to last. Last night, I realized that I hadn't cried once all day long! This is seriously a HUGE thing for me. Even the days I think I might make it, something always happens or some memory overtakes me and I am a puddle all over again. But yesterday was a good day.

Today I didn't make it. Aside from the part of the day where I said goodbye to some work colleagues I just met 8 weeks ago, (eye-roll - told you I was emotional) I returned a call from my mother ex-law. We both cried like babies. Well, she's tough and I could barely tell she was crying but I cried like a baby. She seems to think this might all pass and we will be back together again. I didn't tell her that it would never happen - that too much damage has been done - that her son doesn't love me the same way he did when he married me.

That part right there "doesn't love me the same way he did when he married me" feels like a giant paper-cut to my heart. It sets those tears on a collision course. Starting from a very fragile place deep inside my heart, working up through my eyes and then coursing down my face, the tears are interminable. In a split second, almost before the ache even registers, the tears are streaming. The back of my mouth feels all pinched and bitter and tight and then voila, cue the tears. I wish I could control them like most people can. (It's definitely not the German in me, must be the Greek.) This is why I hesitate to be out in public, too many emotional missiles aimed right at me.

Seriously though, I have to toughen up. I'm getting sick of myself. Thank the Lord for sunglasses. 
My sunglasses and I are forging an inseparable bond, even on a gloomy, rainy day like this one.