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Lately I have been thinking about all of the different and new feelings and cruelties assaulting my brain. These thoughts have been attacking me since May 2nd. I've never had these feelings before. I don't like them living in my head and I wonder how to get rid of them completely, so that I can heal. I can easily let these feelings take over and become part of my reality if I'm not extremely diligent about assessing why they're there, who put them there and how I can make them go away.

Abandonment: Truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest reality of my situation. I was abandoned by the one person who I thought would never abandon me. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of the husband I would have and how we would be together until we died. This person was going to be the person who I could count on above all others. He would be my rock, my soft place to fall, the man I loved forever and my best friend. That dream came crashing down. To be abandoned feels horrible. It feels unbelievable, like it can't possibly be true. It took me by surprise which made the actual abandonment even harder to deal with. I was always the one who broke up with the boyfriend, never the victim myself. Was I not as great of a wife as I thought I was and how do I go about not talking to my best friend?

Deception: another shocking, assaulting attack on my brain. Wait, all this time I thought he was one man and now I find out he was another? I'm smart, I'm perceptive, how did I not know this was happening? Was I closing my eyes and my senses to the fact that things were not as happy as I thought? Why did I trust completely, not even giving a thought to the possibility that there would never be a time when I wasn't number one to this man? Why was I so stupid, so blind, so naive? Will I ever be able to trust someone again?

Denial: how in the world could this have happened to me? Will he realize he made a huge mistake? Will he come back, begging for my forgiveness? Will he know too late that he can't live without me in his life? After 33 years, how could he NOT want me in his life? Will I wake up to find this was all just a bad dream?

Loneliness: I have never been alone. Even if I was alone for a short period of time due to travel or business, being alone never felt like being alone does now. Being alone when it seems like there is never going to be an alternative is the very worst kind of lonely. It's a loneliness that presents too much time to think, to ruminate over what went wrong and why. It's a loneliness that lives in my heart every evening before bed and every morning upon waking. It is crushing. It is a loneliness born of betrayal and somehow it hurts worse than I could ever have imagined. Maybe I'll be alone forever, watching all other couples grow old together. Will I ever be happy again?

Brokenness: My heart is broken. My family is broken. My life has been operating on autopilot. Seriously, I don't know how it has gotten to be 6 months down the road. My friends and my family have been truly amazing, but nothing fixes the brokenness I feel. I feel like Humpty Dumpty after he fell from the wall. All the King's horses and all the King's men can't put me together again. Will there be a day that I will get through without dwelling on all I have lost?

God, I know You have my back. I know You can make good from bad. I know You have not promised an easy life but have promised You will be there when I face challenges I cannot deal with alone. I know all things are possible with You. I know You alone, can comfort me, can heal my broken heart, can help forgiveness grow in the place of bitterness and will be with me always, through all things. Some days in my state of human-ness, that knowledge doesn't feel like enough. Today I pray that even if only for a moment, I can see You working through my despair, my loneliness and my brokenness. Because I know it is Your will that I survive this by being even stronger and more certain of my need for You.