Forgiveness

 

Forgiveness.  I can't stop thinking about this and the significant role it now plays in my life. Before now, I have never had anything of real significance to forgive or anyone to forgive. Well, that's not completely true. When my ex-husband had questioned his commitment to our marriage several times in our marriage, I had stuff to forgive and a person to forgive. But, I always forgave because I loved him, I believed when he said he loved me and was re-committed to me and I believed in our marriage. And above all else, I knew that's what God wanted me to do. I was never one to hold onto hate or bitterness and truthfully, I have had a very blessed life and not much happened in my life that would necessitate me being in a position of granting forgiveness.

But this is a big one. This one might take a while. Finally, I have had an apology that I believe is sincere and I have been asked for forgiveness. But, there's a dissonance inside of me now; a part that wants to forgive and a part that's not ready to forgive. The part that wants to forgive comes from a loving place inside of my heart that the Holy Spirit is in charge of. The part that doesn't want to forgive yet comes from a sinful place in my heart where I haven't yet allowed the Holy Spirit in. I feel the need to hang on to this anger/sadness/bitterness/grief because it's where I live right now. It breathes right along with me, all day long. It occupies every thought while I'm awake and even most of the time while I'm asleep.

I've talked to my therapist about this at great length. She says that we are to forgive as God forgives us, but we are not God and so the process of forgiveness takes longer with us and forgiveness is a process whereby we can judge its progress by the steps along the path. She even postulated that perhaps we mortal creatures cannot fully-100% forgive as God does, simply because we are not God.

I believe I am taking a step or two down the path, both outwardly toward my ex and inwardly where it matters. I have a long way to go but I am learning so much about myself along the way. God is revealing to me that I must humble myself and ask for His help to heal my heart, thereby letting Him all the way in to help me forgive. I know it is only with His help, that total forgiveness will be possible. So, I continue to pray, asking God to give me what I need for each day, striving (and always failing) to be the kind of Christian God wants me to be and holding onto the promise that He can heal my heart.  With that healing that only He can give, my best chance of forgiveness exists. Strength comes from adversity and boy, I am going to be strong when I get to the point of total forgiveness, if I get to the point of total forgiveness. And I hope I do. I hope I believe so strongly in what God has planned for my life that there really is no option, no decision to make at all.

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