Such a negative emotion

Just as I was starting to feel like I might be getting better and moving on, this wall of anger has risen up inside of me. 

I’m angry that my spouse did not try to save our marriage. I am angry that my rejection was made public by the act of divorce. I am angry because I didn’t know what was going on and that makes me feel stupid. I am angry that it seems as if all of the good things in our marriage were disregarded by his decision to leave. 

I feel like I have to defend the fact that there was happiness on both of our parts. It feels like 34 years of everything that was good, all of our fun times, all of the parts of our lives we built together from nothing, all of our meaningful conversations, fun family times, shared memories and great adventures have boiled down to one failed relationship. 

I’m angry that there is nobody waiting for me when I get home. Instead, there is a dark, lonely apartment. 

I’m angry that my mom and Dad, brother, sister and their spouses have lost one half of us. We all had so much fun together and my family invested so much in him and vice versa. Here we are now with grown children and able to concentrate on our friendships and we are fractured. Now it’s mom and Dad; brother and wife; sister and husband and .....me. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel natural. It feels sad and lonely and I feel displaced. His presence is missed at family gatherings and it doesn’t seem like it will ever be right again. And it’s hard to be the odd “man” out. 

I am angry that after waiting for 16 years, we were finally able to plan the most perfect and beautiful kitchen renovation, work effectively throughout the chaos during remodeling and were only able to enjoy that beautiful kitchen for 4 months before our marriage blew up. Now, I have to go backwards. I don’t want to go backwards. I did my time with old appliances that didn’t work right, with Formica countertops, with linoleum floors, with stained sinks and not enough cabinet space. 

I’m angry because I had to clean out my house, wade through boxes, drawers and closets to pair down a 34 year old life of memories into just enough to fit into a small apartment. I had to sell precious things and pieces of furniture for pennies on the dollar. I had to pretend as if I wasn’t leaving so much of my life behind.  

I’m angry because I thought I was going to spend 50 or 60 years with the same person and gracefully and contentedly move into the next phase of our lives. 

I’m angry because our children now have to figure out how to deal with parents who are no longer a team. 

I’m angry because I don’t know if I’ll ever find love again; the kind of love I can trust and invest my whole self into. If God does have another love in store for me, will it be that giddy all-in love I had the first time or will it be a love tempered by the knowledge that it won’t be like the first time with all of the excitement of life in front of us? Will we both be jaded by love that we had and lost? 

How do I end this? Still so many things I’m angry about. And it feels right to be angry. But as well founded as all of my anger is, i know it will not help me move on from the upheaval of my life. I know that much of this anger stems from pride, which God hates more than anything. I know that God will be patient with me and that only He can help me clear this anger from my heart. I have so much work to do.

I don’t think it’s an accident that my divorceCare emails and my emotions have both focused on anger these past few days. I am confident that once again, God knew where I was going to need help dealing with this emotion and when.