"The heart will break but the broken live on" Lord Byron, Part 1
I haven't written a post in a couple of weeks. It's because my
ex-husband found out about my blog and has read my posts. And that makes
me a little sick. I feel spied upon now and I feel like I can't write
about my journey. But, I have more to say so I'm going to keep writing.
Yesterday in church, we wrapped up a stewardship sermon series about the nature of the heart; both physically and spiritually. For the past 6 months, I have been praying about and asking others to pray for my heart. This past week I have experienced a huge heart breakthrough.
The week started with my heart being wrenched apart again upon finding out that my ex already has a girlfriend. Apparently and already, he had dated enough to know that there was one person he was ready to call a girlfriend. It was as if I was way back to May 2nd and it was happening anew. My pain was palpable and I even did some out loud wailing (fortunately only my car heard it) for the injustice of this and the fresh, searing hurt I felt.
We had been planning to meet this past week to "clear the air" and I wanted to meet in a controlled environment of my choosing. For months I have wondered where/when I would run into him. We live in the same smallish city and know many of the same people. Well meaning people were still telling me about their sightings. I started to get a stomach ache when I thought about an errand I had to run, or a restaurant I would be meeting someone at, or a grocery store encounter. I would scour the parking lot before entering the place to make sure I didn't see his car. What if I saw him? What would I do? Would I crumble and cry and be trapped in the bread aisle? Would I be able to hold my head up high and smile stiffly and walk on by? Or God forbid, would I see him out with a date? At the end of the weekend I wrote to him and canceled our meeting. I just could not meet and have this much fresh pain because I knew I was right back to the start of this nightmare and I wasn't ready to see him. I didn't want him to see my emotion.
All weekend long, I prayed so hard and so desperately for God to come in and heal up those places where the scabs had been ripped off. Also, this new information really hurt my girls. They were devastated anew as well. They had known this information a few weeks before I did. They had no desire to hear from their dad and were unable to talk to me about it. One of the things I hate most about this new way of doing things is the fact that my girls and I can no longer communicate the way we used to. They are hurting so much and with the new information they had learned from their father, had nowhere to go to be comforted. They had each other, but they needed their mother, and I couldn't be there for them because I didn't know. My number one joy/job in life is and always has been my children but in this instance and in almost all the other instances of life with a mom and dad who are no longer married, my children have decided to have barriers so that they don't talk about him with me or me with him. It makes things hard. It feels like we are keeping secrets. And worst of all, I cannot do my mothering job.
So, part of my extreme sadness was due to how badly my children were hurting and how devastated they felt at the news of a girlfriend entering the picture so soon. I do not want this for my beautiful girls. I do not want them to be alienated from their father. They have always loved their dad very much and despite the fact that he left their mother, he has always loved them just as much as I do. I knew I would get around to aching for him at the loss of his girls, but more importantly, I was aching because my girls were aching from a broken relationship with their father. I wanted to fix this for them. I wanted to do whatever I could to help them repair that relationship. ... to be continued
Yesterday in church, we wrapped up a stewardship sermon series about the nature of the heart; both physically and spiritually. For the past 6 months, I have been praying about and asking others to pray for my heart. This past week I have experienced a huge heart breakthrough.
The week started with my heart being wrenched apart again upon finding out that my ex already has a girlfriend. Apparently and already, he had dated enough to know that there was one person he was ready to call a girlfriend. It was as if I was way back to May 2nd and it was happening anew. My pain was palpable and I even did some out loud wailing (fortunately only my car heard it) for the injustice of this and the fresh, searing hurt I felt.
We had been planning to meet this past week to "clear the air" and I wanted to meet in a controlled environment of my choosing. For months I have wondered where/when I would run into him. We live in the same smallish city and know many of the same people. Well meaning people were still telling me about their sightings. I started to get a stomach ache when I thought about an errand I had to run, or a restaurant I would be meeting someone at, or a grocery store encounter. I would scour the parking lot before entering the place to make sure I didn't see his car. What if I saw him? What would I do? Would I crumble and cry and be trapped in the bread aisle? Would I be able to hold my head up high and smile stiffly and walk on by? Or God forbid, would I see him out with a date? At the end of the weekend I wrote to him and canceled our meeting. I just could not meet and have this much fresh pain because I knew I was right back to the start of this nightmare and I wasn't ready to see him. I didn't want him to see my emotion.
All weekend long, I prayed so hard and so desperately for God to come in and heal up those places where the scabs had been ripped off. Also, this new information really hurt my girls. They were devastated anew as well. They had known this information a few weeks before I did. They had no desire to hear from their dad and were unable to talk to me about it. One of the things I hate most about this new way of doing things is the fact that my girls and I can no longer communicate the way we used to. They are hurting so much and with the new information they had learned from their father, had nowhere to go to be comforted. They had each other, but they needed their mother, and I couldn't be there for them because I didn't know. My number one joy/job in life is and always has been my children but in this instance and in almost all the other instances of life with a mom and dad who are no longer married, my children have decided to have barriers so that they don't talk about him with me or me with him. It makes things hard. It feels like we are keeping secrets. And worst of all, I cannot do my mothering job.
So, part of my extreme sadness was due to how badly my children were hurting and how devastated they felt at the news of a girlfriend entering the picture so soon. I do not want this for my beautiful girls. I do not want them to be alienated from their father. They have always loved their dad very much and despite the fact that he left their mother, he has always loved them just as much as I do. I knew I would get around to aching for him at the loss of his girls, but more importantly, I was aching because my girls were aching from a broken relationship with their father. I wanted to fix this for them. I wanted to do whatever I could to help them repair that relationship. ... to be continued
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