Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and Forever

If you were to look down at the ring finger of my left hand you would barely see an indentation - barely any evidence that a ring was on that finger for 34 years.

Today I found myself bereft. I was wrapping presents and listening to Christmas music and everything about what I was doing felt normal yet so wrong. I know I'm divorced but sometimes for seconds at a time it feels like it can't possibly be real.

Even though that line is fading away on the finger symbolic of the most important covenant I ever made, the reality of this failed marriage remains imprinted forever on my heart and soul. It is a sadness I can't explain or describe. It feels like my heart is being squeezed. It is a grief that will probably never ever go away completely.

During this Christmas season I have tried really hard to focus on Jesus' birth and the new life He breathed into all the earth. It has helped so I don't let my sadness carry me away. For the most part and with constant concentration, I've been able to maintain that focus. But today, I am caught up in what was, in what could have been. I hate being divorced. I hate it. I still want to be married. I want not to be alone. I don't like this change in my life. But I'm not in control of this. I'm not in control of anything.

Thank you, God, that you never change. For You are the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.   Hebrews 13:8

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